Confidence Isn’t the Goal. Regulation Is.

I used to think I had a confidence problem.

Too many second guesses.
Too much overthinking.
Too much of that post-meeting spiral where I’d obsess over what I said, how I said it, if I said too much.

The narrative in my head was:
"If I were more confident, this wouldn’t be happening."

What I’m starting to learn is this:

It wasn’t a confidence issue.
It was a nervous system issue.

No amount of mindset work could override the deeper truth:
My body didn’t feel safe.

And when your system is in threat mode — even low-grade, high-functioning, buttoned-up threat mode — confidence doesn’t stick.

You might still speak up.
But it’ll come out clenched, rushed, overly polished, or like you’re trying to land the perfect line.

You might still perform.
But it’ll drain the hell out of you, because it’s effort layered over fear.

Here’s what I’m starting to believe instead:

I don’t want to lead from confidence.
I want to lead from regulation — from a place where I feel safe enough to say what I mean and grounded enough to stay with myself after I’ve said it.

Confidence can be valuable.
But on its own?
It can also be performative.

Regulation, though?
That’s where presence, discernment, and actual connection live.

I’m still learning how to do this in real time.
How to notice my cues.
How to come back to myself after I’ve disconnected.
How to lead without needing to feel “in control” every second.

But it’s already changed how I show up — Not just in my work, but in my conversations, my body, my relationships, and my voice.

If you’ve been trying to fake confidence when your system feels anything but calm — same.
You’re not broken.
You’re just overdue for safety.

Let me know if you’ve ever felt this too — or if you’ve been taught to fix a confidence “problem” that was actually your nervous system trying to protect you.